


What Hurts the Most(Ed's PoV)

by holi2005



Series: Ed/Roy post-CoS [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holi2005/pseuds/holi2005
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warnings: slightly AU(Al does NOT come with Ed in our world), CoS spoilers,bad English,unbeta'd.<br/>Summary:sort of a follow-up of What Hurts the Most from Ed's PoV. Can be easily read as a one-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts the Most(Ed's PoV)

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm... I'm not really certain what happened here- I wondered if I can write a fic from Ed's PoV. I don't think I actually grasped Ed's way of thinking properly, and I fell in the same trap that catches so many fanfic writers who try to express Ed's thoughts. Honestly, I believe that CoS Ed is more calm, more mature than most give him credit, but I guess when I started writing it I couldn't do it without bringing out youngEd.

Well, I can't help but wonder about the way things turned out for me. Or the fact that after all I went through, I still ended up here, and alone.  
Oh, it had helped to see my baby brother once more. Al, for all intents and purposes, looked like he was leading a life full of all those things I had dreamed of offering him. He was healthy, strong, happily in love with a person, who I can honestly say, understands his past and treasures their future together.  
It hurt, oh damn how it hurt to realize that Al didn't have any memories of those three years in Hell. I wish I was altruistic enough to say that I was happy for the fact, but unfortunately, I'm afraid that I'm just that selfish, to admit(in the darkest corners of my mind) that I hate it. I positively hate that all those years, all the pain, the happiness, grief, friends and enemies, are gone just like that. The fact that the names Maes and Nina will mean nothing. That the sacrifices I made will mean nothing.  
Hey, fuck you-don't look at me like that. I'm perfectly aware that this is all just a stupid self-pity party, but I figure I'm entitled to one. Considering the circumstances, one might say I'm allowed to feel down. I'm alone yet again, in the exactly same place I escaped a few days ago, in a world wrecked with chaos and war, trying to locate a weapon strong enough to destroy this civilization as these people know it.  
Now, as I stand in front of Hei's grave, all I can feel is numbness. Not even this world's Gracia or Rose(Noah) can draw any emotion out of me. I know that the latter of the two has been watching me with a steadily increasing worry, and I can't help but wonder if this is worth it.  
The only consolation I have is that Al is somewhere out there, happy with Winry, ready to start a new life, and that Roy Mustang WILL be watching over them(or else).  
Damn you Mustang, you just had to go and make my last moments so bittersweet. If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if you did it on purpose. Do you enjoy the fact that I'll be spending the rest of my existance in utter misery, trying to figure out if that last look you gave me meant more than you'd ever say? Or knowing that just one word from you would had made me crawl and whine at your feet like the dog everyone used to call me? That while during the endless days I try to figure out a way to come back to Al, I dream of you every night- of your hair, your eyes, your skin, your hands, your lips.  
You have no idea what you've done for me all those years when we searched for the Stone , don' you? You were the only one I could let myself go with- rant, scream, fight- because I just knew that you would be able to handle it, that you wouldn't be disappointed in me, that you would stand up against me so I would allow all of my anger, pain and bitterness, to flow out of me. Many times you were so far away from me, representing all of the things that I hated about the military. Yet, once in a while(more often than I realized) I'd see this person, filled with so much darkness and sorrow of his own, that I wanted to be close- to be able to protect and cherish him. I imagined more than once what would happen if I told you just how much you meant to me. That while I orbited around my sun (Al) , you were my axis, my rock in this fucked-up storm I found myself in.  
And just how insane and masochistic am I to be thinking of you when I know that I'll never see you again? But then again, hope is always the last thing to die. I can only pray(if I believed in God) that maybe one day, I'll find a new(less deadly and destructive) way to come back home so I can look you in the eyes and tell you all of those things I've been wanting to. One is allowed to dream after all, right?


End file.
